Welcome cunts, pricks, fence straddlers, grab onto your vowels and hurriedly scurry on inside our pubic domain! Come one and all to the Cultural Cringe sexual lunatic fringe festival! Free speech as fuck ya bas! No more cocoons for you! We’re as nasty as we wanna be, and we got sent a Hate Crime bill that we can’t pay, cos our mouths wrote cheques that we can’t cash! We came here to ejaculate spunk and truth right into the blue-veined heart of the Scottish art scene! Step right up, don’t be shy, scream if you wanna come faster! Take a walk round the walls of your balls with taking notes from toilet walls, sexual revol lovers! We are here to cancel culture! Cultural appropriation? FUCK YOU! This is inappropriate culture! Inappropriate, that is, to TOTAL CUNTS! This is no marital matters twee MP3 elpee, just straight hot endless sloppy seconds of wet arcing sex sparks! We’re here to fuck with your brains til you come to your senses when we fearlessly spear you ear-to-ear! Spitting nitty-gritty hot buttered slutty smutty shit like amateur pisser-paste-taste-hater cocksucker slits! Before we go down in the ground where the dead men go we’ve got our own trumpets and horny porny minds to blow with hot beat injections and anthems for a nude tomorrow! So take that sexually frustrated look out of here, it doesn’t fit you! The Satellite Town crier porno mezzo-soprano-a-go-gos will sort your Betty Blues right out with our cunt and disorderly stingsongs! We’re a muttley crew of dramming bams and master beaters! We’ve been sent back from a soundproof future Scotland to poke airholes for arseholes, be artistic aqualungs for shy retiring bastirts! Empty vessels make the most moist noise! We’re the boldest dickswingers in town, the last of the international playboys! We’re stoking and stroking pussies and we’ve got soaking pussies, coming pussies, going to be coming pussies, coming in going to be coming pussies, coming in coming pussies! Cultural Cringe are pussyfire extinguishers for hire, a well-hung well-equipped pussy riot squad! Hooker boots and roots and shoots and scores! We’re doing our patriotic Scottish dick-and-slit-flick-bit to get the population horny and fucking and upping our numbers! We are going to get you hotter than Ross River fucking fever! We’re flingin’ the creamin’ semen and dreamin’ of creampies and prised-apart thighs! When you get that reeling feeling, we know you want sexual squealing! We’re dirty Scottish bastirts who don’t give a fuck anymore! Aye folks, this isn’t any excrement-rated blue muzak slopera, this is the aural sex show you want! We will tell you the totally tall tales score to the fore to the core! We’ve got mental dental dambusters, fannybattery, busturbation, post-industrial howlers, in-and-out-and-instigators, sexual frustration traitors, concrete jungle swingers, middle-ragers. We’re not safe-space racers cos there’ll be no shit fake fucking American idiot safe spaces here, especially the ones between your ears and your legs! We’re just leaving other capelifters and boaby-bashing bastards in the dust, being the shitstormer grit in the oyster that becomes the pearl rubbing the dead cultural clit of your obscene poetry scene up the wrong way, fussily pissing a gloppy drizzle of sizzling jizzling poetic pearl necklaces of wisdom onto your repressed hussy sexy librarian poet faces, get windscreen wipers for your sexy specs cos women with glasses are the sexual upper classes! We are the sand in your aesthetic KY jelly gland, the growing fertile art in your swelling belly. We wipe yummy cunt spunk from our glazed sizzling soaking faces, no hiding fucking places, no bunkers to huddle and cuddle and cluck and tut in muddled wet-cunted hard-cocked turned-the-fuck-on spunkgushing delirium! We are a Scottish poetry library full of nothing but utter-gutter-mutter volumes to be listened to at high volume of juicy-pussy pulp friction! This album is a vicious sexpose of a part of the middle-aged generation, that sick generation who must think and talk openly without censorship for kicks, having sex with no shame, enjoying the seducing of gullible love-starved women! It may be too intense for some insensible sensitive listeners! Obscenes of such brutal honesty will be laid and played here that we strongly recommend that underage or impressionable young people do not listen to this wordwork, and further recommend that these limplimbs get it right up their uptight Satanic Verses, fuck off back to Cocksuckers Anonymous and stop bothering us forever! So if you are offended by busty old spunkers, pussychats, perpwalk pervwanks, maneaters and meatybeaters and fannygubbers, cunt junkies, blueballbusters, fucking funny funky monkeychunkers, growers and showers, movers and shakers and rear-spear-Shakespeares, pink snake charmers, sexual frustration harmers, fanny farmers, pussy disarmers, coming-in-all-colours comers and goers and toers-and-froers, apple on a baby’s arm fisters, misters putting fanny friction blisters on sisters, G-spot A-listers, penis flytrap comesuckers, and gash-gushing frothsloshers, don’t come take a strip down mammary lane with us! If you’re scared to touch others or yourself just jump back on the self-abuse shelf, it’s all just lust or bust leaving other brothers in the musty sexual dust until that last gushing thrust, you are what you drink so we’re here to drink beer and flex on sex and lovebite sucking on necks and dregs and cock and hole and sort you out, pray we don’t spray your way or you’ll be cleaning your icky-dicky-licky-sticky self off all day, sneaking a dick in a tidewave-surfing surging virgin, eat a delish fish dish like maybe sturgeon, the full fool folly of going wholly nude rude crude in a repressive oppressive suppressive Holyrood atmosphere, no fear we’re here, lick and suck and love the slanguage like a tasty Chicago black chocolate Cupcakke. We don’t want whiners or oh-my-godders and old coldrodders, we demand hot and wet cuntfronts, we don’t sit on the fence aboot offence we are indefensible prehensile steel hard cocks and pistons pissing on all and spunky with no confession confusion! Pisshole-suckin’, spunky-drinkin’ low honey come, we come from your wet dreams cos that’s we’re from! You’re going to hear the only true cock-and-holers left in the world…CULTURAL CRINGE! Keep repeating it’s only some music…only some music…only some music…

BIG TITS on little old ladies swingin’ oldies So fucking unfair funfair don’t playfair Starbust starlets buying buxom bosoms For a million luckless fucking bucks While these old finished with them fuckers Got what they want they need they crave Natural whambamthankyamammogramma Flesh pillows stuffed with memories Through with being sucked Through with being fucked Through with being chewed Through with being screwed Through with being rude nude Some young chest is best breast Well granny hand ‘em over Donate ‘em to another lover Who’ll use and abuse ‘em well Get you a mastectomy Mail ‘em direct to me And I’ll choose some Itty bitty titty pretty primerib filly To give ‘em to and fuck silly She’ll say thanks for the mammaries And you know they Squeeze to Tease to Please.

One night I was fucking a crazy chick Had her impaled on the end of my dick She’d given it a suck I’d given her a lick Then suddenly she mentioned a new trick I was thrusting into her and she said sir Want to do something new to shitstir I said aye okay well whadya want me to do She said I want you to fucking strangle me I thought it was kinda weird new to that thing But why not give it a try give it a fling Wrapped my hand round her neck Squeezed it a bit but not too hard Didn’t want her dead would be hard to explain I was cutting off the oxygen supply to her brain So she could come harder she loved that shit They’d think I was lying not believe me one bit So I fucked her hard with erotic asphyxiation She was coming her brains out at the sensation Gasping and writhing and smiling and choking I just kept continuing thrusting and poking Until eventually she stopped me with satisfied smile Lay there recovering her senses for a while Asked me if I found it weird and I said yes But it didn’t really bother me couldn’t care less She said she’d never let anybody do that before But she felt safe with me and I just said oh sure Couldn’t give a fuck if it was true or not so what Didn’t want to fuck the freaky bitch any more like that She was too fucking heavy for me and I dumped her flat Now she can get some other fucker to smotherfuck her I don’t have to worry about a dead whore in my bed anymore.

"This show may contain adult content - but I seriously fucking doubt it" - Fred Negro, from Pub: The Movie. Talking to the missus on the phone the other night About sex and stuff and nonsense Said she’d something she’d always wanted to try I said “Don’t keep me in suspense.” Said she’d never told anybody about it And then she clammed up shy as Hell Silence on the other buzzing end of the line I said I’d do anything to try and ring her bell She muttered and mumbled, stuttered and stumbled Over hard words for her premiere confessional I said “Stop fumbling and grumbling, get to rumbling Cos you know I am a sexual professional!” I heard her shakily inhale, then let out a wail: “I’m right into that sexy fucking sneezing!” I said “Watch out sister, here comes the twister! The Scottish weather forecast is for…varying degrees of wet.” As fucking usual. Well lassie, you’ve come to the right man I’ll soon make that clear as the nose on my face When I get to snuffling and clear nasal running You’ll be glad you came on my snout in the place My flared nostrils are hung right down to my knees I’d put an elephant and anteater to shame I sneeze a sleazy breeze and tease easily to please No bitch into nasal will ever forget my name My nose flares with flair with trimmed nasal hair Make them rabbit with my grown-nose cavity My proboscis and pussy have often come to blows Take you far from earth to escape snotrag gravity No-one knows where the nose goes when the doors are closed Except for me with the hot horny secret Get yer hooters out for my conk and honker And let’s get into that hot pouty-lips snout shit I’m the ring-stinging king of the snuffle shuffle I’m the absolute best of the ah-ah-achoofest Some other cunt with a tiny beak tried to freak But I put him down after a short sharp scuffle I’ve taken on all redeyed hay fever contenders Give them a slow square dance square go Knock the snouts out from all pretenders No other Julius Sneezer flows the nose blow by blow Some have an itchy scratchy nasal trigger Waiting for that hardcore money snotshot Think their olfactory explosions are bigger But I laugh at the dimensions of what they got They can all suck on my flaring fiery gloryholes I’m the human tornado of all fighting distinction Even if you gave me a lifetime of antihistamine You’d never cock-block my trunk into extinction There is none stiffer than my swifter sniffer My lavarun snotrush clusterfuck velocity Has never been known to lose nose-ridge bone Or cause a dry pussy desert cunt atrocity One whiff of sweet tangy pussy aroma Will set my buttslutting bulge to twitching When I get through with female sneezing fans They won’t be bitching about scratchy-itch-itching Give me a summertime bouquet of flowers And I’ll go right into porno allergy mode Keep up my nasal explosions for hours and hours While that sweet soaking pussy gets rode My toffee nose takes a licking keeps on dicking A whiff of quim trimmed of quiff makes her go biff When I’m finished with her she’ll never go tricking For stiff upper lips she’d dive off a cliff She’s a corona moaner gonna make her groaner Every sinus infection gives me an erection She’s hot for my snot show her what I got And give her a half-hard hot sneeze injection It ain’t the size of your nose it’s how you blow it Suckholes and blowholes thar she blows where Poontang typhoon monsoon stops nobody knows Only know she’ll be soaked and that’s no nose shit That nose-tickle-tingle gonna make things swing single Feather duster will lust just fit to bust her Dust mites in pussy nights clench that whiffer up tight Soon have her spraying and ready to mingle Love to vacuum up the perfume of her heaven-scent womb She’s a sexy virus scanner hot spurting mamma She spreads her legs kills the gloom in the room Gonna ah-ah-ah-ACHOOO!!! and heavy fucking ram her When I get that wheezing I need sexual sneezing Blocked respiratory tract will get me to her crack I’m a nostril thriller, a snotty semen spiller I’ll ride that proud Roman nose from ridge to back There’s a storm front warning in the wet cunt morning My pinky will tickle the pink and pickle the stink When I get through with that snailtrail hail screw I will need more than fucking Loch Ness to drink My nasal breeze comes out at a hundred miles an hour When I slow blow my nose I flow-blow her mind My septum wetcum has no small power And on that whorenado I dump and grind Cause a T-storm in Tornado Fanny Alley From where I’m sitting it’s all in the allergies Multiple sneezegasms drive her doolally And they always come back moaning more please I spit a bit of snot on that bulging clit Snuffle for truffles in the valley of sighs Fart smeller ecstasy into her slit Love the climax tingle of tense coming thighs She’s a nostril hair whore and I’m hard for her perv Made her quiver and shiver From the bridge of her nose to the lows of her toes And it’s only really just what she’ll deserve My paranasal pairanasal goosh-shooting cannons Will make her surrender on all wet fronts And that’s the way it always lay-plays with lassies Just so long as you satisfy that cunt that you hunt So get loose for mucus and hot for snot Just so fucking beaky easy to make Her hot to trot just spit on missed spots And warm on her orgasmic flesh burn bake After I said all this heady said to my woman She was moaning and slopping and finger-licking She demanded I come over with pepper for a spraying And said I was a habit she wouldn’t be kicking So forgive this fanny batter mixer trickster This snottersnapper slick nasal thick-dick-flicker I’m gonna hot slop chop shop mop her up And lick her pussy like it’s pishing liquor This zephyr’s for hire And there’s birds to do And nostrils to screw… Hurricane Fanny Spout Cyclone Tornado Whirlpool Non-supercell Gustnado Landspout Water…fucking…spout

One block from Lake Michigan and I’m goin’ fishin’ again On another cock-shock-of-the-walk blockrocking mission again No missionary impossible, miss young and impressionable brain My tongue’s well hung gonnae lick her lungs out again..and again… Batter and clang of the old world elevator Clatter and bang quicker with an escalator Gonnae slick-flick-lick-kick escalate her As I orally masturbate and ejaculate her Dip dark down between her self-prised high-prized thighs The smell and taste below the waste tell no high thigh lies Chicago River’s flowing from Minnesota to no knowing Kissing miss’s musky lust just fit to bust come is going Batter and clang of the old world elevator Clatter and bang quicker with an escalator Gonnae eat out downtown round and round she goes Where she stops and comes nobody fucking knows Gonnae drain her brain hitting hot cunt locker main vein Tongue-twister trajectories driving her wetter and insane Sweet toothache hurricane pain squirt chin covered in rain Across my face the sheets dripping down my wrist and stain Batter and clang of the old world elevator Clatter and bang quicker with an escalator She’s a college rage girl fool of safe spaces Wiggles triggered wiping sloppy come on faces When my mouth goes south hers finally closes And all her feminazi bullshit just spurts in poses Shiverering climactickle action tactic growses Making that fucking head sea part like Moses Batter and clang of the old world elevator Clatter and bang quicker with an escalator Gonnae fucking bucking orally annihilator Multiple orgasms mouth like a vibrator Been there forever not gonnae stop or even mount Go down for the cunt she’s down for the count She’ll go down before I do or die or drown seismic matter Pork snorkling go work that thing swimming in fanny batter Til finally it’s all over no more flashfloods left in store She’ll be hitting the pillow princess just ready to snore How many orgasms well nobody was keeping score Never forget her best fucking blowjob that’s fer fucking shore

You guys know what it’s like you perfectly performed three or four ways of prelay foreplay Kissing eager lips sucking erect nips Licking down body Slowly blowing on the cooling saliva snailtrail salivating at the thought of who’s to come Onwards Inwards Transfer tense attention one thigh to the other Teasing licking biting nearer…nearer… Hear her whine and whimper moan and groan Delicate dripping tender tripping touch of tongue twisting on tip of lips of clit of slit Bonefire of the senses squirming senseless merest hint of hit of tongue on button But on into the wet warm meat of matter Meet her halfway to oblivion hard surrogate cock substitute slipping sliding smiling smearing sweet juice of joy of sex over your face Middle finger stroking internal G-spot stoking fingerfucking come-spitting good horizon-bound dental damburst as she riverflows seamless into soaking orifice seeking release Ready willing wet and able to take you on and in now Lubricating Wanting sating Waiting anticipating So you slide into Nocturnal emission missionary position as the two of the one of you drown in skindeep depths as you reach where you have both been destined to be since Big Bang Birthday.

Oh ye canny rub yer fanny on a bus! Well a big bold hello to all you male gazers All you hips tits lips pussy power grazers They always say to us that women don’t look At men like men look at women look at men Look at men look at men look at men Look by hook or by crook at men They don’t look at our abs, our flabs, Our walks, our talks, our cocks, our bahookies Oh no sir never a sucky fucky lookie lookie lookie But we know that’s full of more shite Than a constipated groaning haggis ready to shite us a bite We know their devious girlie eyes are always Wandering, wondering, pondering, salivating, Storing up wank bank images for later Masturbating and sleekit peeking keeking girlie ejaculating Five finger discount on the grunting cunt shunt and shuffle Finger-fucking good, rude lewd and crude But no, their shit never stinks, their delicate sniffy girlie minds never think Of that hot soft underskin blue vein throb Foreskin or circumcision, long or short, fat or thick, all whore’s kin, vaginal headspin, get that hard heavy jackhammer slamma fucker in They never try us out in public with roving raving crazy eyes Just huskily lusting over the prize that lies between our thighs, wondering about our size when we’re on the wise guy rise We see them catch a snatch of a swatch at our crotches from a dozen yards away But we don’t let on we saw them see us And we like to watch their eyes jump south liplicking mouth when they think we aren’t watching them thinking about head bobbing and ducking and dicking and they think they’re safe and smarter than us in their perving And we let them think that because that way they give us loads of leering letching peering leeway and leave us alone, tricked into thinking they’re the queen and we’re sinking as we internally chuckle at them drinking in the sharp smart sight of our hot penile might But let me tell you a too-true whorey story about something that really happened to me In early morning early 2016 on my way to work on the bus, Chicago public transport. I was half-asleep, wearing right tight jeans, read every friendly wrinkle in the hotly accentuated cock, up the back, sitting facing the opposite window as opposed to the front, bag between my legs, stifling yawns, counting lost life minutes I wouldn’t get back. Halfway through on got a prettyish young thing, mid-20s or so, dyed reddy-blonde hair, amazing firecracker maze, the type that could raise a certain amazed horny hunger in other less razed and tired and uninspired times. She moved and sat up the back, couple of rows behind mine, opposite side of the thrill-kill aisle, facing forward into the depressing Chicago work week. There’s a shameless game you can play with the occasional woman on public transportation, station to station, moaning internal masturbation, station bate son, raising temperatures and expectation. Women do it too, catch a member of the opposite sex looking at you, sidelong glances, fantasy hot fuck romances, cut-short journey sexual chances, makes the time and journey go by. As she sat down and settled into her seat, I glanced across and saw her see me sitting, watching glinting eyes flitting across my cock, bingo, journey voyeur jackpot. She looked out the window, and her face lit up. Seen that oh-boy coy shy sly wry grin before, top cock eyes-lock score, Venus envy mind on mounds of penis, pubic transport meatrack cruising, using sidelong glances perusing the fruits of the luck of the decently-hung genetic draw. Let’s face it, women perv even more than men do, they’re just usually more subtle aboot it, but plenty of them are graduates of the uniperversity. The young penile art-appraiser was wearing tight black leggings and moved into lady-go-dive-her mode, crossing her legs high, slipping and sliding both hands in between her legs at the crotch, getting me hard just recalling her hand-gliding in the forbidden vaginal valley. Then the leg jiggle-jiggle-jiggling started, fingers niggling, wiggling, wriggling, eyes giggling, internally roaring, stroking stroking stroking the throbbing fingerbobbing clit, stoking a wet hot early morning bus-wank cuntfire, bonfire, on fire-for-bonerfire. The fingers on the bus go round and round, round and round, the fingers on the bus go round and round, while they dig down! Syntribating is the fancy hotpants term for it, female moving-and-shaking masturbating, fannywank legwork bounce and totally sticky cunt through-clothes fumbling as the bus trundled on. Seen it done in pubic public trans-spurt-tation before, resonating library chair squeaks, airplane catplay fanny batter chatter. Could tell you stories, some of you lewd rude crude lovely wanker ladies know the score, don’t even pretend you don’t, we know what you’re up to, trust me. And so it came and went for the next twenty minutes nearly, lipbiting endorphin-drug cunt rub and tug and tumble, and she was good, so good, never once saw her looking while working and wanking, me peering and peeking across upon aroused occasion, knowing what she was doing getting me roused and blood rising, raising the stake and giving her more visual residuals to work with. What a self-fucking turn-up for the Monday morning weary work week blues, coded exhibitionism and voyeurism and try-not-hotly-to-cry-outism, fingerfucking good, fingerslicking rude. So I sometimes watched her handjobbing away, watched her scratch that bitch itch in bits and bobs, maybe thinking of blowjobs, just lurching and reaching across and unzipping me and tipping me back into her mouth right then and there, tasting below the waist, swallowing with no waste. Or maybe the fertile self-fuck fantasy ran to what it would be like for me ramming her hard from behind, on the bus or on the edge of some cliff somewhere, giddy vertiginous waterfalls of self-mounting ecstasy sending her over the fucking hips-bucking edge, or maybe she was thinking about just riding me topside on the bus as the oblivious passengers at the front were unaware of hot wet cunt in the sexual frenzy hot poledancer throes of randomly thrown pussy. And fingers and legs worked in unison for minutes on end, riverrun from swerve of shore to bend of bay, me glancing at her white short under-ankle socks in her tennis shoes and wondering how hot her feet smelled in it, locked in that aroused moment forever. And then, all too soon my hussy bus stop was there, and I got up as the vehicle was still moving to get off, bag in hand, clambering and grasping and holding onto chairs to stay standing. The bus driver jammed on the brakes and I went sprawling forward, composure unravelling, travelling forward with the inevitable inescapable inertia of it all. As the bus stopped I was flung round a pole and danced my eyes back up to the back where my hot-pussied wanker admirer was sitting. I didn’t even mean to, but our eyes locked, and I had a questioning look in mine. You get there? She nodded twice rapidly, through half-closed eyes, big sexy grin on her blushflushed features, clearly having had a huge climax, and I felt an odd sense of pride as I jumped off and my self-humping galpal disappeared off into the cold Chicago morning, never to be obscene again, bus exhaust kicking up greasy obscuring smoke plumes in the pungent-fume morning. I will never forget that satisfied crimson face as long as I live. You never can tell where a bus trip will take you. Well, actually, you can, after that it was work, but ladies…you know…what…I mean. Oh ye canny rub yer fanny on a bus! Oh ye canny rub yer fanny on a bus! Oh ye canny rub yer fanny Here comes a polis manny Oh ye canny rub yer fanny on a bus She’ll be coming like a fountain when she comes She’ll be coming like a fountain when she comes She’ll be coming like a fountain throbbing fir a mountin’ She’ll be coming like a fountain when she comes!